Dreams, Grief and Grace

This morning, I woke up in that in-between state-half-awake, half-dreaming-where everything feels vivid and real. I slipped right back into a dream about my mom, who passed away just over a year ago. In the dream, I was doing everything I could to help her survive her terminal brain cancer, that took her so fast in the most overwhelming traumatic way, trying to keep her comfortable, to save her, and to manage all the things that come with caring for someone who's so ill. I was also dealing with the endless legal and medical paperwork, the power of attorney, and all the things you don't see. I was moving her things, making decisions, and most of it, I was literally doing it alone. All while trying to fill her last wishes.

That was my reality during her final months - right through Christmas, starting a new year, and into spring. I was trying to be a mom to my own kids, a friend, and everything else I didn't want to lose sight of, even as I grieved. Just a few years before, I'd lost my dad, right when my children were just babies. I remember thinking, "You can't let this take over- you can't let grief steal these precious moments from your kids, because their childhood goes by so fast." But I also remember how alone I felt. Aside from my husband, very few people reached out. The people I thought would be there for me just weren't. No one asked how we'd get through the holidays, or how we'd manage with me spending so much time in the ICU with me with my mom at ICU. Her illness brought so many challenges - she had a major stroke, mental health struggles, and so much more. I hope to write more about that in a blog someday, because there's so much to say about what it's like to care for someone with glioblastoma.

In my dream, I was running to people, almost crying out for help, but they kept turning their backs on me. That feeling of sadness and abandonment was real, and it's something I truly experienced. I didn't understand it, because I did nothing wrong - I just loved my mom and tried to be there for my family. I know I didn't do it perfectly, but non of us ever will do anything perfect.

But here's what I learned - what I wish I could go back and tell myself, and what I want to share with you if you're grieving or feeling alone: I was never truly alone. Jesus was right there with me, through every sleepless night, every tough decision, every moment of pain and exhaustion. Even as I dealt with my own health struggles, He was beside me.

If you're sitting in a hospital room right now, or feeling forgotten as you watch your loved one slip away, please know this: bring your Bible, read His word, and remember that God loves you. He's not punishing you, and He hasn't taken your loved one because He doesn't care. This is life, and our time apart from those we love is only temporary. You WILL see them again.

Find your strength in Him when you feel along. Picture Jesus holding your hand- really picture it. I promise it will change your life. And when things come full circle, try not to be angry at those who weren't there for you. Don't hold onto bitterness. Most people simply don't know how to help, and we're all imperfect. Instead, let's do better for others. Let's show grace, comfort, and love, just a Jesus does for us.

Dreaming about my mom is a gift, even when it's bittersweet. It reminds me to share my story, in hopes that it helps someone else who's struggling. I wish someone had told me these things, or prayed with me, or reminded me to lean on God more. I wish I had prayed more, read His word more, and truly pictured Him with me, so I wouldn't have felt so alone or built up so much hurt over those who weren't there.

Grief isn't just about losing someone you love - it's about all the other challenges that come with it. But we have to endure, and when we do, we must share our stories and lessons in hopes of helping others. God is loving, and there is a purpose and a plan in every storm we go through, even when it's hard to see.

Thank you for reading, for caring, and for loving me through this. I hope my story helps you, wherever you are on your journey. With all my heart and soul - and to my mom you are forever missed and loved.